Cancer Etiquette
December 21st, 2007 | Published in Cancer Etiquette
At Gilda’s Club (in Latham NY) I was part of a panel discussion where I met Rosanne Kalick. Aside from enduring and surviving cancer twice Rosanne is the author a book called Cancer Etiquette What to Say, What to Do When Someone You Know or Love Has Cancer. She also talks about something she named the Cancer Zone where your previous impressions of people, places, things and even relationships seize to have the same meaning. Everything changes when you enter the Cancer Zone.
The topics really interested me. Rosanne’s speech touched me and got me thinking. It made sense of course. If there are rules of engagement for warfare, and proper etiquette published for addressing your ex-mother in law’s new boyfriend then surely there should be standard awareness for how to behave in the presence of cancer patients. (Certain doctors and nurse can take note here as well.) Common Sense should prevail be nice, be polite, don’t be too nosy, don’t insist on topping the cancer patient’s issue with your grandmother’s or next door neighbor’s cancer story, be a good listener, don’t be a downer, etc. But some people don’t have much sense at all.
In her book Rosanne talks about how friends and loved ones can support cancer patients - - what they can say and shouldn’t say. While reading her book you root for the hero (the cancer patient – any cancer patient) Rosanne shares some incredibly rude, idiotic, selfish, and insensitive comments people make in the name of caring. So if this has happened to you - YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Rosanne documents one supposed good friend who asks her cancer stricken friend what her husband is going to do when she is gone! Can you believe that! And that does not even get into the mother-in-law story or the countless others she had in her book. At times the book is almost comical. But unfortunately it’s reality – all the stories are real.You ask yourself how can people be so stupid? You brace yourself and then put on the armor you will need to shield yourself (or your loved one) from the inevitable crazy things people will say. The book also has some great suggestions for caregivers and cancer patients alike.)
Here are some of my personal thoughts for the friends and family of a cancer
Don’t ask if she/he is wearing a wig. Don’t touch their “hair”; don’t even consider saying you like their wig.Just say they look great. After all, isn’t that what you are trying to communicate.
If you don’t like their wig and you are a very, very close family member or friend you should let them know - -and perhaps offer to help them purchase a new one. You would not want them to just pay you lip service and say that you looked great if you really looked garish in an outfit.
Just do nice everyday things for your loved one - - don’t necessarily wait to be asked. Sure sending flowers or a gift basket is nice but “being there” and giving the gift of time feels like being loved.Ie: do an errand, take the kids, walk the dog, clean the frig, help go through the mail, help with the laundry.
Don’t be afraid to keep things real. Cancer patients are more than just cancer patients; they are still your wives, lovers, sisters, daughters, mothers, and friends. Don’t start treating them as one-dimensional beings in your life. If you always talked to her (your cancer patient) about your boyfriend issues, your job, your kids, etc… don’t stop doing so now. We need to feel as if the world is still turning in the right direction, we need to feel normal. Not talking to us about YOUR drama makes us feel all there is to life is cancer.
Wishing you (and your cancer patient) the best of health in the days to come - sheril ;o)
